i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
