Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize