I wish I could teleport
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
