i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
