the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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