I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize
