I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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