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Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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