I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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