how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
