I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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