If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need a beard to bite.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
