Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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