I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Found your dick twin last night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
