I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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