someone threw a dead crab at me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
