I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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