When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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