Just cropdusted the office
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You are the jesus of drinking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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