we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
