They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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