I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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