just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
