I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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