hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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