if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
