so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
