How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
don't judge my taste in strippers
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
