The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
