Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
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