Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
