I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
