my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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