My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
