Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
