I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
