Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize