Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Randomize
