so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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