im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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