why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
