Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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