good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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