You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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