Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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