if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Alive.
So much puke
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
