How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
