my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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