Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
