So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
