its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
