I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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