I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
