My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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