did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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