I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
