Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
