Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
worst night to have a conscience
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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