ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
