Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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