If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize