Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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