I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
