lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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