One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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