i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
