im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
