I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
