i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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