Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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