Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
