I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
